Relationship is the key to understanding. It seems to me that the mind, or the self, cannot be just a program running on the hardware of the brain.
I keep coming back to the idea that it is not the case that the brain creates consciousness, but rather that the brain tunes in to consciousness. Consciousness is a state of being into which we evolve. It is a state of being in relationship and being aware of relationships. What is self-awareness? It is being able to stand aside from oneself and observe ones thoughts, feelings and emotions. Most of the time we are aware of ourselves – I am doing this – I feel sad – I really like this – but we are caught up in our feelings and not critical, objective, or detached. This is a minimal sort of self-awareness. At other times we make an effort to stand back from ourselves and try to look at ourselves as another might see us. We try not to be caught up in, carried along with our feelings. This is not always easy to do. When feelings are very strong or deep it can be almost impossible. Meditation helps, in fact, this is what much of meditation is about.
But who is this who stands back and looks? This looking is relationship. It is the awareness of the relationship between ‘I’ and ‘me’. ‘Me’ is the bundle of thoughts, feelings and emotions. Who is ‘I’? ‘I’ is an observer, a watcher. ‘I’ doesn’t think. ‘I’ is the mirror which reflects thought back to ‘me’ so that I can see myself, examine my thoughts. This is reflecting. But, again, what, or who, is this mirror? I think it is the boundary of my being. Underwater light is reflected back from the mirror surface; inside a prism light is reflected from the faces. A one year old child in front of a mirror sees her reflection but has no idea that she is looking at herself. A two year old child recognises her reflection. What has happened to bring about this change? Certainly she has become much more aware of the limits of her body, of her perception, of time. ‘The self comes into being the moment it has power to reflect itself.’ says Douglas Hofstadter*
To be aware of limits is to be aware of what is beyond those limits. The horizon is a horizon because we see the sky beyond. The field of our vision is limited but we are not aware of the limits , unless we stop to think about them, because we do not see them. To be self-aware is to be aware, physically, mentally, emotionally, of the extent of our being, it is to be aware of not-me, and therefore of me, and of the other as other. Self-awareness leads to transcendence, to the desire to transcend these limits through relationship. In a relationship my being extends into that of another and the other’s into me. It is reciprocal. Each broadens and deepens, or diminishes, the other. This is why relationships are so important. Once one becomes aware of the limits of one’s existence one is constantly trying to extend these limits, reaching out to, and through, others.
The danger is always solipsistic egoism; the belief that I am the only one that matters; that the little insecure ego must be protected at all costs. But there is no ego. It is a mental construct. There is only being in relationship. The self, this bundle of constantly changing thoughts, feelings and emotions, is not a single entity but a series of relationships.
*quoted by Bryan Appleyard in Understanding the Present, Picador 1992 p. 207