Relationship

Reading Odin on the social self. The Japanese concept of ‘betweenness’ (aidagara) is very interesting and needs thinking about. It means that which exists between two people when they are relating to each other. The focus would seem to be on the dynamics of the relationship which is seen as an end in itself. It is the relationship which makes me ‘you’ to the other and the other ‘you’ to me. In other words the relationship is creative, making ‘me’. ‘I’ exist as a result of this relationship. According to Hamaguchi,

‘While in the West the self is primarily an individual so that relationship to others is secondary, in Japan the self as kanjin (self in context) is primarily a member of a social context, including society and family, and only in a secondary sense to be regarded as an individual…The reason why self consciousness of the Japanese is formed this way is because self and others are in a symbiotic relationship, and they regard their own existence as largely dependent on the existence of others.’ (Odin S.; The Social Self in Zen and American Pragmatism, SUNY Press, Albany 1996 p. 73)

We in the West would agree that our existence is dependent on our relationships with others, but only ab initio. The difference is that we believe that these relationships have brought into existence a permanent, self-sustaining entity which may, if it wishes, exist independently of others. And so relationships are seen as a means to an end, to be entered into and abandoned in so far as they serve the needs of the individual. In Japan, and Korea and China, the relationship (aidagara) is the dynamic no-thing (ku – emptiness) which exists between people.

‘Buddhism provides Christians with an opportunity to know and experience that the true reality of the person does not consist in being an indivduum, a given entity; rather, the true self is radically, essentially, constantly in relation to other selves and to all reality; its ‘being’ is constantly one of ongoing dependent ‘co-origination’; its being is relating. Therefore the true self is a selfless self, constantly losing-finding its self in its relations with others.’ (Crook J., Fontana D., Space in Mind: East-West Psychology and Contemporary Buddhism, Element Books, London 1990)

It is this emptiness, this space, nothingness, betweenness that is important. This is where the focus of attention should be. Not on the other as other, not on me as me, but on the dynamic space between us. This betweenness is what makes me me and you you.

The more I think about this ‘betweenness’ the more it seems a key concept. If, as I believe, we are all linked, then even casual and superficial relationships are important. They have a part in making me me. They have a part in setting the general tone, the climate in which we live. How we act towards the other depends on who that person is. The other is a lover, friend, family member, or an enemy, someone we dislike and distrust, or a non-person, a functionary fulfilling a role, a stranger passing in the street. In the first two categories the focus of attention alternates between me and the other. For example when falling in love, or when one has a sick child, it is the other who matters more than me. My happiness depends on, and is subordinate to, their attitude to me, or their well-being. When it is an enemy, or someone disliked the focus is on me and the threat they present to my well-being. Non-persons, functionaries and strangers do not really exist for me – though if such a person is in trouble, threatened, or in danger, their plight might awaken my awareness of our common humanity. In Western society individualism, and often possessive individualism, goes very deep. There is an unspoken assumption that the individual has the right to put himself/herself first, even though this may cause suffering to others. We allow fathers and mothers to abandon their families. We allow businesses to put profit for the few above the needs of the many – in other words we place a greater value on money than on people. Greater importance is attached to those with power, influence and money than to others. As a result society is polarised, riven by factions and special interest groups. Children are abused, or abandoned and left to fend for themselves. The unemployed are relegated to an underclass, surviving on handouts but not able to participate in society. There seems to be no way out. We deal with the symptoms but not with the disease. We try with palliatives and sticking plaster to deal with the most blatant wounds but the underlying illness is not even perceived.

The concept of ‘betweenness’ (aidagara) is, perhaps, a way out. It removes the focus of attention from the ‘me’ and the ‘other’ and focuses it on the relationship between the two. If the relationship is good, positive, life-giving, enhancing then both parties are enriched and affirmed. If the relationship is negative, destructive, cancerous then both parties are hurt and diminished by it. There can be no enhancement of the individual at the expense of the other.